Insecurities

The crushing feeling like waves in the sea
They come and go and don't let you be

You'll drown in the feelings before you know
They hold you down and rape you before they go

Insecurities! You can't seem to get away
They'll come and go and don't let you have a say

That woman who left and came and left
She refuses to see that she commits theft

As many times as I've gone through this pain
I can't seem to ever get past the pouring rain

The bitch ruined me but I learned to heal
The bitch comes back and I just heel

I will get passed it one more time
Then she'll come back in my prime

My Husband Keeps Me Going

The last few weeks I've given up. I lost 25 pounds on Weight Watchers then I stopped going. I was really excited with my Pampered Chef business then I stopped caring. I stopped cooking a lot. I stopped working out. I missed a few bible studies. I liked sitting here doing absolutely nothing.

My actions weren't fair to myself or my kid but it's just what was happening. I have no idea why it happened but I lost my motivation. I wouldn't say I was depressed but I was definitely happier doing nothing instead of going out and being around people which is my norm.

Today my husband tried to use reverse psychology on me and it backfired. Gibbie said "Weight Watchers" and The Hubs said "hey what happened to Weight Watchers?" My last weigh in was January 14th. Almost a month ago. Why did I stop caring? So The Hubs says, "if you not going should you just cancel it?" So I did. I texted him and he said, "Why did you do that?" UM...BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO? It turns out that he was hoping to give me motivation to keep going! HA! I don't work like that. You give me a reason to give up and I'm there! Luckily, I e-mailed them and they reinstated my membership, no questions asked.

I hate that I'm that way. The Hubs, however, seems to think I have the ability to do it all. It clicked with me that I stopped doing everything because I didn't think I had time for everything. Rather than just take something out of the equation or taking a few days off I just completely shut down. Do you do that? Am I the only one? So The Hubs sends me a text saying, "You need to do bible study, keep pampered chef, work out three times a week, weight watchers, some kinda class for Gibbie like dance, and cook. I'll help with the cleaning and learning time with Gibs." Well then, I guess I don't have an excuse anymore. How do you do it? Seriously, the multitasking/scheduling/organization is just not clicking with me. My husband things I can do it but I'm still working out the how.

Anxiety

Anxiety eats me alive on a regular basis and people don't seem to understand that I just can't calm down because most of the time it's not something I'm worrying about but a random act of terror that strikes me while I'm cooking dinner or washing dishes or slowly falling asleep when it awakes me with a bang and send me into a state of nonsensical panic making me take pills to calm me that take thirty minutes to kick in which is too long when every minute feels like an hour and every hour feels like a life time of mind numbing pain and when I actually am worrying about something it makes it come again and then I read something that says people who suffer from anxiety are at a higher risk of stroke which is just another thing to worry about when I already have to wonder sometimes if I'm having a heart attack or it's just an anxiety attack and by the time I realize it is just anxiety I would have probably died if it wasn't because heart disease runs in my family and I'm not the healthiest person so there's a chance that maybe it is a heart attack and since tingling in arms and legs are actually a sign on anxiety it makes me worry when my left arm tingles which happens almost every time I have an anxiety attack which is about once a month or sometimes more often if I am actually worrying.

And that "sentence" is what an anxiety attack is like.