Being a Mom is Tough

A few weeks ago a good friend of mine posted to her Facebook page that she was going to do a bible study called Am I Messing Up My Kids? and asked if anyone wanted to join her. I thought for sure she knew I was a terrible mom and posted this just to make sure I did the study. You see, I have this theory that I was lied to about the terrible twos and it's actually the threes that make you want to pull your hair out. I've had a few less than proud moments since last August when Gibbie turned three but I'm always striving to change my attitude towards her. This bible study might be just what I needed.

Here I am, a few days into it and this morning was the worst we've had in a while. I blame being 16 weeks pregnant and hormonal. I blame being over tired because instead of going to bed at a decent time I still think I can stay up as late as I want and function in the morning. I definitely blame not being able to remember the last time I prayed to God for help in parenting. I in no way blame my three year old for being a three year old. After my little break down Gibbie climbed up on the bed next to me, tears in both of our eyes and said, "Are you sad, mama?" I said yes. "I'm sad too," she said then wiped my tears away. It was one of those moments that make you realize that you must be doing something right as a parent. How did she become such a loving and kind child?

My goal in doing this bible study is to remember what it's like to be three years old, to remember to ask God for help, and to remember how much I love being a mama in those less than proud moments.

My family is perfect for me and here's proof of just how awesome we are when we all get along:

Today's Supreme Court Ruling

In the case of Burwell v. Hobby Lobby Stores and Conestoga Wood Specialties v. Burwell the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the family owned companies. I have to admit I'm a bit shocked. I get it, I'm just shocked. It was a 5-4 ruling in favor of the companies to not have to cover certain birth control options in their employee insurance coverage. I was sure that the results would be in favor of the employees.

I'm not so much upset about this specific case but the situation I currently find myself in (our insurance not covering maternity and not being able to get Medicaid) just makes me wonder what exactly the United States government wants for the average citizen.

My husband works hard every single day for the small company that his father runs. Being a small company they don't have the capabilities to offer insurance for their employees and therefore we have private health insurance. Private health insurance doesn't cover maternity care because (accident or not) it is considered an optional medical condition. Now, the rich white "Christian" politicians don't want me to use birth control and certainly they don't want me to use Plan-B. They also want me to submit to my husband because it's a wifely duty. Once I end up pregnant they don't want me to be on Medicaid, it's preferable for us to go broke paying for doctor and hospital bills. (Side Note: we're fine, don't worry, my doctor has an awesome pregnancy package for uninsured patients so we will not go broke or lose our house or have to get on government assistance. The following is purely hypothetical.) So when we go completely broke, lose our house, and get to the point that we absolutely need government assistance they can call us lazy for not working harder. How does this make any sense?

I know there are people who abuse the system but it's not fair that hard working people and people that just need a little help aren't allowed to get it. It makes me wonder when these politicians are going to draw the line. The state of Texas refused the new Medicaid expansion that was offered with the new Affordable Care Act which is the reason we didn't qualify. We were prepared for this before we got pregnant and weren't planning on relying on this however it would have helped. The more these politicians hold things back from people the more I think of this:

EDIT: Above I said that I don't like the Supreme Court decision but I get it. I'd like to edit to say I don't freaking get it at all. The more I sit here and think about it the more pissed off I get. The Supreme Court is treating these companies as people instead of the corporations that they are just because they're family owned. This is ridiculous. I used a birth control pill more for health reason than conception reasons. When I wasn't on birth control it was hell for me to get out of bed from the cramps and nausea during my period. My mood swings were insane and would have been cause for divorce. Being on the pill helped to regulate my period, tame my cramps, and balance my hormones. Yes, it prevented me from getting pregnant, but that ties into what I wrote about Medicaid and being denied help. We couldn't afford another child after paying the hospital bills from our first pregnancy. We are just now financially stable enough to have another and therefore being on birth control really helped with not being a financial burden to the state. This country is completely ass backwards about certain things and I'm getting really tired of it.

The Joys

I finally have a new computer! OK, well, I've had it for a week now but I'm finally writing! It's a huge change going from an Apple to a Dell but I'm dealing and learning slowly. I feel like an old lady trying to figure out a computer for the first time. The downside is I don't have a grandson I can bother for a tutorial on how to use this dang contraption!

On to the news.
For those who haven't been following me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Tumblr we have some crazy news. We're expecting our second baby blessing on December 29. Today actually marks the first day of the second trimester so the excitement in my house is growing. Little Lentil, as the baby will be called until we find out the gender, has made my life interesting for the last 13 weeks. With Gibbie I was nauseous for about 20 minutes every several days. With Little Lentil I was nauseous all day every day from about 5 weeks on until I finally gave into Diclegis, an anti-nausea medicine. Diclegis was a miracle except for the fact that it made me extremely exhausted (even on half a dose). I shouldn't complain though. I wasn't able to function without it and my doctor took pity on me and gave me 4 boxes of samples because my insurance doesn't cover maternity and the state of Texas didn't take on the Medicaid expansion (yay go us!). I never even had to fill the prescription. I took myself off of it this past weekend and I finally feel amazing.

Gibbie is super excited to be a big sister. For a while she was telling everyone that her baby brother was in my belly. Now she says it's a girl. I don't care either way. The Hubs says he wants another girl because little girls love their papas. I'd like one to like me. We're set with a name if it's a boy but we're still looking for a girl name. Any suggestions are appreciated.

Since the USA/Germany game is over and Gibbie let me watch it with minimal arguing I'd be do as promised and pop in The Little Mermaid. Happy Thursday everyone!

Job Interviews

I don't know what made me think of this but I can't stop thinking about my very first and my very last job interviews lately. I'm definitely not looking to get back to working any time soon but these memories are stuck in my head.

My first job interview was at Hollywood Video when I was 16 or 17 years old. I didn't need a job but my best friend at the time did so I applied everywhere he did. I remember my best friend being mad because he didn't get called in for an interview even though we both had the exact same information on our resumes and applications. I completely botched that interview. I had no idea what to say and I blew it. The manager asked me what I would do if I was in the middle of a project and I noticed there was a huge line of people waiting to check out. I said it depended on how important the project was. Stupid really, but I didn't know any better. Oh yeah, I didn't get the job.

My last interview was at Dockers just five years ago. I thought I would just be temporary holiday, though I definitely wanted more. I got lucky and became a supervisor very quickly. I worked until about a month before I had Gibbie, not even a full year there, but it was a lot of fun. I had always wanted to tell someone, "Ma'am, I am the supervisor." It was everything I thought it would be and more when I finally got to say it! I considered for a while going back after maternity leave but in the end I chose the better position for me.

My current job didn't come with an interview and it still blows my mind that almost any woman can do it. I sometimes wonder if I would have gotten the job if someone was around to interview me. I can only imagine the questions I would have been asked. "How are you under pressure?" "Do you preform well on little to no sleep?" "Are you easily startled?" "Do you tend to get queasy easily?" I don't think I would have gotten the job. I still wonder if I should have the job!

I sometimes stop and think about when I will go back to work and what kind of job I'll have. I still dream about being the PTA parent, den mother, field trip chaperon, and then some. I do love selling Pampered Chef but I just don't know if it's a huge passion for me and something I'll do for years to come. For now, I will spend my time on my current job. Mama, nurse, coach, teacher, etc. I'll go on trying not to yell, doing my best to nurture, and wishing I had a maid. I'm so blessed to be in my current position!

Hello Neighbor

When I was growing up we lived in what some would consider a poor neighborhood in the lower valley. I'm obsessed with looking at homes for sale so I looked up the house we lived in and it last sold for $89,000. It was a small three bedroom, one and a half bath house with a garage we never used in the backyard. It was perfect for us and it was happy. I grew up with a friend two houses away, more across the street, and some down the street. We seemed to know everyone on the block and everyone on the block waved and said hello when they saw each other.

Fast forward to the house we moved into when we moved it on up to the east side. I became friends with a girl across the street the day we moved in. The other girls across the street became best friends shortly after. The boy and girl who lived behind me invited me to jump the fence and play a week later. Again, neighbors being neighborly was the way to go. If we drove or walked down the street everyone we passed stopped what they're doing and waved.

When we got married we lived in an apartment and didn't really talk to anyone regularly but everyone always said hello or waved. When we had Gibbie we moved to different apartments and there were a lot more families and more friendly conversations. We then started thinking about buying a house. We didn't keep in touch with anyone from the apartments when we moved.

We've lived in our current home for well over a year. I've seen the lady who lives to the left of us once, her kids a handful of times as they came and went. The Hubs says the lady is married but I've never seen her husband. The family to the right of us has a son a little older than Gibbie an another a little younger than Gibbie. I've seen the kids three times, the family a few more times. They've had birthday parties for their boys and we haven't been invited to any of them. I definitely should have invited them to Gibbie's last birthday but I never see them at home. (Next year I'm just going to tape the invitation to their door if they're not home.) There is one other lady two doors over who actually talks to us and knows our name. She even gave Gibbie a Christmas present! Other than that the only interactions I've had with my neighbors is when the girl down the street got her boyfriend to knock on my door because she thought I broke into her car (with my arms full of mail and toddler to boot). (Also, if you want to know about the paranoid girl down the street just go back to this post right here.)

Is it me or is the world getting less neighborly? Or maybe it's just the neighborhood I live in. I always wave and smile and say hello anytime I see someone outside. I get an occasional response but more often than not people pretend they don't see me. Does this happen in your neighborhood? I'm seriously considering baking a few pies and passing them out to see if maybe people are just too busy with their own lives or they genuinely don't want to be friends with their neighbors.

Sister, Soul Mate, or Twilight Zone

I have found the bizarro world version of Rue. I'm not sure if this woman is my sister, my soul mate, or maybe I've stepped into the twilight zone. Have you heard of A Slob Comes Clean? As much as I hate to admit it, this woman's blog speaks to me on levels you can't imagine.

Like "Nony," the author of the bog, I always assumed that I'd become a cleaning kind of person when I moved out, got married, had a kid, got used to sleepless nights, and on and on and on. It has never happened. I've tried the Fly Lady method which worked for about two weeks. I spent $13 on the Motivated Moms app last year (it's cheaper this year). I've tried just doing one room a day. Nothing worked for me. The truth is, I walk into a room and I want to cry because I don't know where to start. A few weeks ago I did wake up one day and realize that if I didn't clean the play room I was going to burn it and it has stayed pretty clean but it's only a matter of time before it explodes and I just can't handle it again.

Anyway, here's my confession of the day. I can't clean, I don't clean, I don't like it, I don't wanna, and I generally just won't do it. So, I'm giving Nony at A Slob Comes Clean a chance (and a promo). I got her book, 28 Days to Hope for Your Home, and I'm going to give it a try. I've been reading the last few blog posts and listening to all of her podcasts and I'm really hoping she's going to be the one to make me realize what I need to do.

Also, just marathon cleaned my kitchen because people are coming over today! Gulp!

Insecurities

The crushing feeling like waves in the sea
They come and go and don't let you be

You'll drown in the feelings before you know
They hold you down and rape you before they go

Insecurities! You can't seem to get away
They'll come and go and don't let you have a say

That woman who left and came and left
She refuses to see that she commits theft

As many times as I've gone through this pain
I can't seem to ever get past the pouring rain

The bitch ruined me but I learned to heal
The bitch comes back and I just heel

I will get passed it one more time
Then she'll come back in my prime

My Husband Keeps Me Going

The last few weeks I've given up. I lost 25 pounds on Weight Watchers then I stopped going. I was really excited with my Pampered Chef business then I stopped caring. I stopped cooking a lot. I stopped working out. I missed a few bible studies. I liked sitting here doing absolutely nothing.

My actions weren't fair to myself or my kid but it's just what was happening. I have no idea why it happened but I lost my motivation. I wouldn't say I was depressed but I was definitely happier doing nothing instead of going out and being around people which is my norm.

Today my husband tried to use reverse psychology on me and it backfired. Gibbie said "Weight Watchers" and The Hubs said "hey what happened to Weight Watchers?" My last weigh in was January 14th. Almost a month ago. Why did I stop caring? So The Hubs says, "if you not going should you just cancel it?" So I did. I texted him and he said, "Why did you do that?" UM...BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO? It turns out that he was hoping to give me motivation to keep going! HA! I don't work like that. You give me a reason to give up and I'm there! Luckily, I e-mailed them and they reinstated my membership, no questions asked.

I hate that I'm that way. The Hubs, however, seems to think I have the ability to do it all. It clicked with me that I stopped doing everything because I didn't think I had time for everything. Rather than just take something out of the equation or taking a few days off I just completely shut down. Do you do that? Am I the only one? So The Hubs sends me a text saying, "You need to do bible study, keep pampered chef, work out three times a week, weight watchers, some kinda class for Gibbie like dance, and cook. I'll help with the cleaning and learning time with Gibs." Well then, I guess I don't have an excuse anymore. How do you do it? Seriously, the multitasking/scheduling/organization is just not clicking with me. My husband things I can do it but I'm still working out the how.

Anxiety

Anxiety eats me alive on a regular basis and people don't seem to understand that I just can't calm down because most of the time it's not something I'm worrying about but a random act of terror that strikes me while I'm cooking dinner or washing dishes or slowly falling asleep when it awakes me with a bang and send me into a state of nonsensical panic making me take pills to calm me that take thirty minutes to kick in which is too long when every minute feels like an hour and every hour feels like a life time of mind numbing pain and when I actually am worrying about something it makes it come again and then I read something that says people who suffer from anxiety are at a higher risk of stroke which is just another thing to worry about when I already have to wonder sometimes if I'm having a heart attack or it's just an anxiety attack and by the time I realize it is just anxiety I would have probably died if it wasn't because heart disease runs in my family and I'm not the healthiest person so there's a chance that maybe it is a heart attack and since tingling in arms and legs are actually a sign on anxiety it makes me worry when my left arm tingles which happens almost every time I have an anxiety attack which is about once a month or sometimes more often if I am actually worrying.

And that "sentence" is what an anxiety attack is like.

Happy New Year

Today we celebrated Vietnamese New Year. It's also Chinese New Year so I don't feel bad that all day I told people we were celebrating Chinese New Year. It's also called Lunar New Year. You can just feel free to call it what you want.

Basically, the day consisted of chiropractor, Target, McDonald's, nap, Dollar General, decorating, and eating. My back's doing better, I always over spend when The Hubs isn't with me, why do I keep eating crap, why didn't I nap when she napped, why didn't I buy this stuff at Target, why didn't I think of buying this stuff at Target, decorating is fun, and eating is fun even when it's an hour late because the noodles you made to go with the stir fry were disgusting so The Hubs had to make rice instead.

And here's the results:

I found a this template online for some Chinese New Year envelopes and put them together.

I was looking for gold coin chocolates but found these dollar chocolates instead! In China they give kids money in the red envelopes for the new year.

I wrote all of our names on the envelope in Chinese. Gibbie's up top, then mama, the bottom says baba which would be the Chinese equivalent to papa.

The Hubs found these online and I printed them on red card stock. We all decorated them with the gold stars.

Gibbie watched a movie on my laptop through most of the envelope making. It must have been good because she wasn't attempting to help.

Here's my finished product on the mantle. (Side note: I need to find an awesome something to hang over the mantle because it's just so freaking bare!)

I got Gibbie a red balloon at Dollar General and wrote "Happy New Year" with a sharpie just so we could say it was a decoration and worth the dollar.

 She knew what was in the envelope but still acted surprised. Just like me when I know what I'm getting for Valentine's Day/Easter/birthday/Christmas.

So there you have it. When we opened the envelope The Hubs finally told me we were celebrating Vietnamese New Year, not Chinese. Well, the decorations are red and gold for both so I didn't mess it up too badly. The noodles I made for dinner were disgusting. We threw them out and made some really yummy sticky rice instead. Of course rice takes a while so dinner was very late. Now, I'm off to eat my chocolate dollar!

Just One Question

Why is it so hard to go poopoo in the potty?

edit: I meant for Gibbie, not myself.

How Did This Happen

Do you ever look at your life and just ask yourself, "How did I get here? How did this happen?" Luckily, at least for me, I'm thrilled with my life thus far. If you've known me for more than 10 years you know I've had my share of asking, "What the hell did I do in my past life to deserve this?" Lately though, life is good.

I'm watching Gibbie run around the living room singing her version of "Hakuna Matata" which isn't exactly what Timon and Pumba were singing but it's awesome. I can't help but wonder why I got so lucky. This beautiful little three year old in my house. Where did she come from? I don't need a biology lesson. I remember the condom isle at Target decision to have a kid instead of buying another box. I remember calling The Hubs at work to tell him I was pregnant because I was high on happy and couldn't wait for him to come home. I remember the record high heat that summer and the 29 hours of labor including three hours of pushing before the docs said I had to have a c-section because this kid was not coming. Oh wait, I'm focusing on positive here, forget that last part (because I can't).

I remember those first few days of staying with my in-laws who I love but don't want to live with and ending up back in the hospital with postpartum hypertension and not appreciating those first few wonderful weeks. Somehow though, that tiny little creature turned into the little girl begging to play hide and seek.

I do stop and think about her never meeting my parents and that makes me sad. The values that they put into me are now being put into Gibbie and that makes me incredibly happy.

Origin of Free

In the last week I've been exploring my love of writing and the freedom it gives me. While I'm writing I have a brief moment of just being me. For that moment I'm not mama or wifey. I'm only Rue. I love my life of mama and wifey but can we all agree that there are times when you wonder who you were before mama and wifey came along?

It's no wonder that I think of my renewed passion for writing as being free. If you're a nerd like me you might occasionally look into the origin of words. It's interesting to me to discover where words came from and what their original meanings were. How did the word "free" get to free? Praise Google! A two second search led me to find that it has an Indo-European root meaning "to love." It actually shares it's origin with the word "friend." It's funny and awesome how all of those things are running through my head all of the time now. By loving myself more I'm finding that I'm free of my self imposed restrictions on myself and therefore I'm back to being my own friend.

I love words. They make me happy.

Flu Mist, Why Do You Hate Me?

I finally broke down and got the flu shot today. There have been so many stories about people in the area ending up in the hospital and dying from the flu lately so I decided I was being pretty stupid by not getting it. The Hubs got it when it first became available. The Gibbie got it at her 3 year check up in August. I don't like getting it because I always get knocked out for two or three days. Honestly though, two or three days versus a week in the hospital and/or death. I can deal for two or three days.

The awesome Target pharmacist went over the options and I went for the mist even though it has a live virus because it protects against the most strains of flu. Honestly, I'm not as bad as I thought I'd be but I don't feel great either. I came home, napped for over two hours with Gibbie, and started laundry. I think I can even handle making dinner (if I can pry Gibbie off of me long enough).

This has also been a crazy week for my back. After finally getting around to going to a chiropractor I discovered that my spine is twisting to the left and I have whiplash neck. Seriously, who gets whiplash from anything but a car accident? Doc thinks it was from one of my famously graceful falls. So I'm seeing him twice a week now and to help with my neck I get to wear this while I'm lounging around the house:

I'm so sexy.

Happy Monday everyone!

Forgiveness of Self

I forgive you.
Who? Me?
Yes, you.
I didn't apologize for anything.
You don't need to, I forgive you anyway.
I haven't done anything to need your forgiveness.
Oh, but you have. You've silenced yourself and abused your talents.
I have no talents to abuse, I am just me. I do what needs to be done.
You don't do anything but sit and watch. You don't even remember what it's like to participate.
Participate? I do what I need to do.
You don't. Participate in life, share your joy and you love and your happiness.
I'm happy.
Then share it. Rejoin the living. Stop waiting for life. Stop pretending to live. Live.
I'm sorry.
I'm forgiven.
Let go. Let's go.

This is my fight

This is my fight against myself as I try to break from the cage
It's been too long since I've let myself free to fight against this rage

My soul cries out for the last few years it begs to be let out
I don't know if I can let it go or if I'm due for another bout

I used to write because there was a passion to tell my story
I used to write in hopes that one day I might have personal glory

I don't anymore for fear that I'm good or bad or somewhere in between
The fear of success or failure or nothingness is all my hands have seen

Let it be known that it is my right to write whatever I please
If it is good I'll be happy enough but again it will not cease

It's my right to write what I want and if it's bad I'll learn to live
If it's not good I'll be happy enough because maybe I can give

A gift to someone who wants to write and yet doesn't know how
A gift to someone who wants to fight and will not take a bow

I will not bow down to the bad of my past I need to let it free
The girl who was lost yearns to get out, she years for a chance to see

A simple paragraph in a new book I read for a group of women and wine
Has given me the power to start anew, it's given me the hope to shine

A writing prompt has given me permission to write this poem here
I swear to you now, I will not bow, I will not stop, no longer will I fear

If one person reads my story one day and hopes that they can get by
I will have done my deed to the human race, my life will not be a lie